Vaas
by Cheesecake44
Summary: Short stories featuring Vaas.
1. Mohawk

**Read online from a Far Cry interview that this was the reason for Vaas' badass scars on his head.**

**Enjoy :D**

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**Mohawk**

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"Err, Vaas?"

"What?!" Vaas gave a snappy reply to one of his men, however he didn't stop what he was busy doing; cutting his hair.

In a typical Vaas-like fashion.

The pirate watched uneasily as Vaas leaned over to get a better angle in the mirror from where he sat cross legged on the floor, a partially cracked pane of a mirror was propped up clumsily by some old plywood. Vaas' version of scissors was his machete that he was using to damn near scalp the side of his head.

"Benny? Ben? Hermano?" Vaas twisted round to fully look at him, still scraping his hair off. "I asked what the fuck you want? I'm busy, can't you see that, man?"

"Yeah I know, it's just we're having some trouble with the money the parents sent us." Ben muttered quickly, his gaze flitting from Vaas' eyes to the mirror to the floor, eager to be away from his boss however Vaas had already turned back to the mirror to shave away the last bit of hair on the left of his head.

"Fucking hell..." Vaas mumbled under his breath. "Like you're all fucking helpless without me...Idiots. You don't think I got shit to do too, hm? Hermano? Yeah, I'm busy as well but you" Vaas whistled as his eyes found Ben in the corner of his eye. "Always needs me"

Vaas hadn't actually dismissed him so Ben stood there waiting, and hoping that he wasn't wrong.

After a solid minute of fidgeting as he watched and waited, the warm air and gnats annoying him but it seemed his boss was too busy concentrating on his hair to be bothered if whether or not he was being watched. And watching Vaas was certainly strange, the man was so erratic sometimes; one second calm, then angry, then suddenly he finds whatever made him angry to be honestly hilarious.

A thin streak of blood made its way down the side of Vaas' head from where he had attempted to cut a few more stubborn hairs, Vaas however didn't pay it no attention nor did he flinch, obviously it didn't hurt.

"Vaas!"

Ben turned to look as one of his comrades; Felipe, ran over frantically. Ben shot a glance at said pirate boss who had frozen, eyes closed and sword to his head as he breathed in deeply; as though trying to steel his nerves. That was enough to make Benny step towards the oncoming Felipe in an attempt to stop or at the very least quieten him down.

He made a few steps towards; frantically waving his hands and making 'shushing' gestures-

"FUCK!" Came such a feral snarl from Vaas that Felipe stopped dead in his tracks whilst Ben reacted like a cat and had jumped and twisted, in mid air, to face him.

A huge gash trailed across the side of Vaas' head, the machete now lay forgotten on the floor as Vaas sat still with one hand grasping said wound as the other gestured at the already broken, mirror as his boot moved to kick it out the way.

He hadn't been holding the machete at a very good angle to begin with; holding it length ways whilst he pressed and ran it down his head, like it was a Goddamn comb, but it looked like either he had slipped or pressed too hard into his own skull.

Neither pirates knew what to do, they stood there; mouths agape as blood started freely falling down and onto Vaas' arm, clothes and ground.

Vaas stood, muttering to himself and turned, with an expression of one who had stubbed their toe which morphed into one of mild confusion when he saw them, as though he'd forgotten they were both there, the confusion soon adjusted back into anger .

"What? What you both looking at? Got something to say?! Hmm?! You stupid fuck's got somethin' to say?!"

That sent both of them scurrying away, problems with money be damned.

Vaas marched off in a huff, blood dribbling everywhere.

"Get me a fucking mirror! Need to fix my head and shit, Jesus..."


	2. Jennifer

**From Far Cry the Experience, I thought Jennifer was incredibly pretty and so I noticed when Vaas shoots the guy that insulted her first, his expression darkens.**

**Enjoy.**

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**Jennifer**

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"You don't love her!" The man screamed and shoved the other next to him."You said she's a cock-a-holic!"

Jennifer did not react to the insult, there was more to worry about however Vaas decided he would react for her; his expression darkened at the words and his hand over hers on the gun clenched and he aimed at the man who said it, his finger over hers on the trigger and he, they, shot the bastard.

The poor girl didn't even have much time to react beyond a wail as the last survivor screamed at her.

''You fucking whore!"

It even crossed through Vaas' mind that wasn't it obvious she had not done that, he did. But he shrugged the thought off and chose to shoot him too, he was just rude to this poor girl anyway.

'These are not nice things to call a lady' thought Vaas as the man fell to the sand. Jennifer screamed and attempted to back away and/or get his hand off of hers but Vaas simply took another step , forcing her to do the same, and shot the last man.

Vaas' expression immediately brightened once again and he let go of Jennifer's hand, she stumbled to the side, sobbing in horror.

"Wow!" Vaas turned and gestured to her, giving her a cheerful grin. "I give you one, you take two!"

"You did it! I didn't, you said..you said just one..." She couldn't speak properly and Vaas interrupted her once he realised he couldn't understand her gibberish.

"You are greedy." Vaas reasoned, laughing, chiding her in a good naturedly sort of way as though she had simply sneaked an extra cookie from the tin.

Jennifer was too shocked and terrified to explain or defend herself as she hysterical cried, Vaas heard the words ''You said just one...'' a few times.

"I lied to you, I lied." He held two fingers up and together and pointed them at her as though it would help her calm down or focus, she sobbed weakly to herself. He held her gaze but as she looked down he stroked her hair, a small slither of pity he felt for her, he had lied after all. But the other man pissed him off! This beautiful woman was not a whore.

"Hey Vaas? Hey," Carlos came up behind him. "Take a look at this."

Vaas looked at Jennifer's broken expression a last time before turning his back on her to see what Carlos had brought him.

"Come on, come on. Over here." One of Vaas men stepped forward to pull the traumatised girl back and lead her away, binding her wrists as she weakly struggled.

Vaas glanced over at her retreating form and tilted his head for a better angle at the nice sight he got of her in her bikini; he stuck out his tongue in a cheeky manner before taking the Ipad from Carlos' hands to see what the fuss was about.


	3. Wild Ride

**Of course I was inspired by Ace Ventura with this lol, as much as I would love to have Vaas scream out Chitty Chitty Bang Bang song, I couldn't see him sing it all. Much too manly for it lol.**

**Enjoy.**

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**Wild Ride**

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The jungle was deceptively peaceful sometimes, especially at night, however in the day every creature is awake, bushes rustling, men yelling, animals screeching and so on. It was today that was so misleadingly quiet in a small area just outside Vaas' camp, you couldn't even hear any gunshots or screams.

A small, quaint little stream was trickling through, a bush with big yellow flowers on was swaying beautifully in the breeze, even one of the rabid dogs had stopped to rest here; it lay on its side, spread out as though sunbathing, tongue lolling out happily.

It was quite literally out of nowhere that a bright red jeep came screaming through the peaceful area, not even on the road, crashing through bushes, barely missing trees, making the dog leap up in shock and in turn being smashed into a bloody smear.

"Vaas?!" Carlos gripped the side of the door and the seat to hold on as he turned to glance back at what was left of the poor mutt they'd just steamrollered over. "Maybe we should slow down?"

"What's wrong, man?" Vaas grinned and let out a puff of cigar smoke. "It's a beautiful day!"

For the first time since he'd been on this island, Carlos reached over and put his seatbelt on. An action that Vaas noticed.

"Oh my God, hermano. Seriously?!" He laughed so hard that he closed his eyes and leaned on the steering wheel, making Carlos panic more as they raced through the jungle. Carlos wished he wasn't second in command so Vaas wouldn't want to drag him everywhere but sometimes you had to grit your teeth and do as your told, this wasn't the worst thing he'd been told to do or go to.

A rogue tree branch managed to smash the windscreen completely; littering them both in glass.

"There's the road." Vaas mentioned casually taking another puff of his cigar as though he destroyed plants and animals lives using jeeps every day.

Carlos said nothing but was inwardly thanking God when they slowed down as they neared the road.

"CHICKEN!" Vaas hollered so suddenly with so much glee that Carlos jumped and cracked his head on the door frame, partially knocking his sun glasses askew and making him swear angrily.

Vaas violently swung the jeep round that Carlos swore the vehicle juggled about on two wheels for a split second, all he could see was a terrified fowl; squawking and wings flapping hysterically as the poor creature tried to escape.

The mad pirate whooped so loudly and happily the moment the bird collided with the grill of the jeep in a flurry of feathers and one last shriek before it too met it's death, karma seemed to choose the passenger to receive a face full of feathers and a chunk of some part of the bird in the face before it was flung behind him by Vaas turning forcefully in another direction.

Carlos made a noise that resembled a cross between a snort and a squeak when the jeep made such an abrupt stop the seat belt kicked in when he was half way forward, prompting him to be slammed back into his seat; gasping heavily.

In the silence of the aftermath Vaas started hooting and cackling with laughter for a good solid minute whilst Carlos closed his eyes and counted silently to ten, trying to squash his temper.

"That was so funny..." Vaas trailed off clutching his stomach as he silently shook with laughter; pushing Carlos playfully as he did so.

Carlos' eyes remained closed and he inwardly realized his sun glasses had gone flying off somewhere amid the chaos. Personally he didn't think it was fucking funny at all having dead, decapitated chickens being thrown into your face at God knows how many miles per hour.

"Ohhh," Vaas pulled up for air and sat back, still chuckling. "My stomach hurts. It was like 'Qwaaa!' and then it just exploded, it was like that pissed off birds game, erm...Angry Birds right?"

He turned to look at Carlos, whose eyes were still closed, and froze.

"Hermano? Carlos," Vaas whistled at him and gave him a good poke in the arm for measure. "Look at me, man."

Tiredly Carlos did as he was told.

Vaas held his gaze for a moment and then let out another scream of laughter, flinging himself forward and slapping Carlos on the knee.

Oh God what now? Was Carlos' thoughts and he wondered if it was just because his hair was on end, as Vaas gestured erratically at his face in an attempt to explain and Carlos immediately recalled the bird smacking into him.

Carlos wiped his cheek and saw blood.

Vaas, still shaking silently with laughter, pulled down the mirror flap for him to see.

Yeah, blood and feathers all over his face.

The icing on the cake was Vaas reaching over and pulling the chicken's clawed foot from his hair.


	4. Happy Birthday

**Happy Birthday to me lol.**

**Enjoy.**

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**Birthday**

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Chris tried in vain to move his body below the sand in an attempt to free himself, or at the very least loosen the prison around him but he didn't have the strength; not after today.

Vaas had done his daily tortures for the viewers and left, once again forgetting his water and Chris was getting despondent. It had lightly rained for a few minutes today and he opened his mouth; tongue out and desperately tried to catch the drops, he had done but it was no near enough to quench any thirst.

It was getting dark now; he could still see everything and although at first he felt relief for the sun to not be shining on his head, he couldn't relax anyway; not with God knows what animals running about out there! And he was utterly defenceless.

Crickets began chirping; signalling night had started and after the shit that psycho put him through today, Chris was so worn out that he didn't care anymore.

He was just nodding off and a sudden snap of a twig and crunch of leaves startled him straight out of sleep, awake and anxious. It sounded like it was coming from behind him, Chris tried not to make a sound as he choked back a whimper and struggled to turn his head to see if he could spot any danger.

Chris swore the noises sounded like footsteps, getting closer and closer, he stayed perfectly still, holding his breath.

The footsteps stopped near Chris' right and he turned his head silently.

"SURPRISE!" The insane pirate leaped out of the jungle and landed neatly in a crouch, balancing a box on one hand like a ninja waiter.

Chris let out a scream that would've made any horror film producer proud.

"Ha, motherfucker it's just me!" Vaas laughed happily.

"Wha- What the fuck, man!?" Chris snarled.

"Hey, hey, shut the fuck up. I saw a tiger prowling about over there, okay?" Vaas gestured vaguely as he plonked himself down, cross legged next to Chris' head. "I don't want our party interrupted."

"Party?" The movie star echoed fearfully.

"Yeah. Here you go." Vaas plonked a box down in front of him and pulled the lid off to reveal a cake.

"Cake?"

"A birthday cake!" Vaas smiled cheerfully at him and stuck in one candle and brought out a match to light it with.

"Happy Birthday, hermano. Many happy returns and know that I love you, man." He said it so sincerely that Chris almost believed him however a small flicker of alarm popped up when Vaas picked the cake up and moved the flame of the candle closer to his face.

"Make a wish, hermano."

There was an obvious pause where Chris looked at Vaas and Vaas at him, this was all so insane; this man tortured him, actually killed him at one point, murdered his friend and co-workers and was probably going to kill him after he grew tired of 'playing'.

It all felt so hopeless that Chris glanced back at the cake and blew the candle out with a huff.

Vaas cheered. "Hey! Happy birthday, sorry I don't have a real present for you other than the cake, but it's good cake. When I found out, Chris, amigo, you listening? Yeah?"

Chris' eyes had started to droop at the exhaustion, even in front of the pirate, but he forced them back open, no point in pissing this guy off even more.

"Yeah? Well, when I realised, man. I had my men hustle their fucking ass's in gear to get you a cake. I even managed to get a chocolate one for you, eh?"

"Yeah," Chris managed to murmur. "Thank you."

At least he'd get to taste chocolate one last time, he didn't even care if the cake was poisoned.

"You are most welcome, my friend." Vaas pulled out a switch blade and leaned down on an elbow so he could lounge next to Chris and look out at the scenery of the calm ocean whilst he cut the cake.

"Here you go, birthday boy." Vaas ruffled his hair in a friendly manner.

Oh God this cake was fucking wonderful.

Vaas took a bite out of the same slice and sat back to stare at the ocean, Chris did the same; chewing thoughtfully, surprisingly calm.

This was even more weird, he was being fed birthday cake by his captor, he was acting like he was truly his friend.

Vaas took another bite and visibly perked up after a few chews; realising it wasn't his cake.

"Oh sorry, man. Here you go."


	5. Like A Gentleman

**Enjoy.**

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**Like A Gentleman**

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Vaas was well known on the islands; known as a terrifying man, crazed, paranoid sometimes, his rage matching his unpredictability.

This infamous man was sat cross legged on his cot, holding his left foot up to his face as much as he could with his two hands; inspecting his big toe.

"Like my fucking body turning against me," Vaas muttered as he kept his eyes trained firmly on his toenail, examining his ingrown nail with a mixture of annoyance, frustration and curiosity.

He had this problem for a good few months and though at first he had ignored it, it started to ache and throb like a bitch, personally Vaas had never had this problem before and didn't even know what was wrong. It was upon closer inspection one afternoon on a slow business day, that he decided to sit down and sort this all out like a gentleman.

Vaas reached for a pair of pliers that lay next to him.

"Fuck you, toe." He snorted and with his other hand, stretched over and picked up his lit cigar from a cracked plate he used as a ash tray.

Vaas took the last two big drags to steel himself, calmly placed it back down, picked his foot for a better angle, arranged the pliers on his nail and paused.

His eyes drifted to the ceiling, eyebrows scrunching together in anticipation.

"Holy fuck..." He groaned before taking a deep breath.

Outside Vaas' hut was a beautiful day, it always was on the island and several pirates were sat, not far away, around a crate and dealing another hand of cards; laughing and jostling with one another, betting what cigarette's and snacks they had.

It was an unholy scream that broke the general chit chat and made cards flutter to the ground and made rifles be raised. Screaming wasn't unusual to be heard in Vaas' camp, not from hostages nor from Vaas himself, however that sounded like he was in pain.

"You fucking fuck!" They heard Vaas exclaim.

One brave pirate had wandered over to his door, unsure whether to intrude and face his boss' wrath or stay back from the line of fire. He was about to knock when Vaas' back to front door swung outwards and cracked him in the face for his troubles.

Vaas, one boot unlaced, strolled unevenly out and towards the makeshift table.

"The fuck you all looking at, amigo's?" He asked so innocently that it sent them all scrambling to look busy. "Hm? What? You all look curious. Got a question? Anyone?"

Suddenly no one was relaxing now; cleaning guns, tidying shit up, hiding in their huts etc.

"Is what I fucking thought," Vaas grumbled as he snatched a half full bottle of vodka that was being gambled in the game, marched over to a few food crates and silently rifled through them all, pausing every now and then to inspect and rejecting certain items, flinging them behind him impatiently.

Finally he found some salt which he faced with grumpy satisfaction and stomped back to his hut, nabbing a plastic washing up bowl on his way.

The pirate he had smacked in the face before finally turned round and backed away from his pirate boss who shot a strange glance at his bloodied nose.

"Happened to your face, man?"

Oh how dearly the young man wanted to tell him to fuck off.

"Nothing, Vaas."

"I just fucking wrenched my nail off my foot, hermano." Vaas declared, with a hint of pride. "Gonna soak it in vodka and salt, then find some lemon and use what's left over...Wait it's not vodka you use for that is it?"

"Uh," The pirate started.

"Fucking, I don't know, man..." Vaas petered out mid sentence and went back inside. "Who cares..." He leaned back out to close his door rather suddenly, alarming the other man momentarily before he slammed it shut.

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**I feel Vaas' pain, I've had ingrown toenails for so long now but I will never be as manly or high as Vaas and yank them out with pliers lol.**


	6. Daily Torture

**You can learn a lot if you listen carefully, or with headphones as it were lol.**

**Enjoy.**

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**Mutterings**

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"You ever been in love, Chris?

"What?" Chris questioned, trying in vain to turn and look up at Vaas properly. "What do you..?"

"You ever been in love?" Vaas repeated himself sounding lost in thought as he dumped the car battery down in the sand near Chris' head, who eyes went wide when he made the connection of what was to happen.

"Oh shit!"

"I've been in love once." Vaas muttered whilst Chris babbled hysterically.

"Shit, okay, okay, okay, I get it, I get it, okay, bring back the spider-"

Vaas paused for a second to think. "Twice."

"-That's cool with me, man."

The pirate shushed him quietly as he untangled the wires but he wasn't heard.

"What do you want? What?" Chris began to sob at the helplessness of it all.

"Red," Vaas stated as he snapped the red clip to the wire and reached for the other to do the same. "Black."

"What do you want me to do? What? I don't... Want me to do?"

"Quiet, Chris..." Vaas mumbled distractedly and picking up the electrodes on the other end, carefully trying to concentrate and make sure all went well for the video.

Chris' mind scrambled into overdrive to come up with something to stop this so he didn't get hurt, to get him out, what did Vaas want? What could he do? Any sordid act?

"Look, I'll suck your dick." Chris whispered desperately clinging onto one idea as he craned his head back and round to look at Vaas' face. "What the fuck do you want?!"

Vaas stopped and looked down at Chris in surprise and vague amusement.

"You say you'll suck my dick?" He questioned looking somewhat humorously put off at the mere thought but found it funny that it was being offered.

"I'll suck your fucking dick, man!" Chris screamed, closing his eyes when Vaas leaned over him with the pads in each hand, he braced himself; still sobbing and adrenaline running through him at the pain that was close to him.

"'Suck my dick'" Vaas snorted as Chris sobbed. "...I ain't fucking...fucking."

Vaas never finished his sentence as he quickly struck the pads to Chris' head and the reaction was instantaneous!

The actor screamed that cut itself off as his brain struggled with the signals and his body going into spasm. Poor Vaas concentrated hard to keep the electrodes on his head as it flailed but he found it difficult.

No, he had to stop.

Vaas pulled away to let out a splutter.

"That was so funny..." He giggled and attempted to smother them to speak. "He was shaking his head like one of those, um..."

He oddly gestured with his fingers. "You know those little toys, those little wahine toy-"

Vaas abruptly cut off when he realised how quiet and still Chris was, he leaned to the side to look at his face for a long second or two.

Waiting.

He then knelt forward on his elbow, tilting his head to see Chris' face properly.

"Chris?" He looked at the camera and imagined people sitting forward in their seats out of concern for his poor buddy.

"Hermano?" Vaas gave his head a careful poke for a reaction; nothing.

"Yo." And another; nothing. "Fuck off, Chris...Chris!" He gave one last hard poke.

"Fuck!" He muttered and sat back up quickly and gave the poor boy another buzz of electric in hope.

He got a reaction in the form of an odd grunt making Vaas lean over again to see if he had woken up.

"Chris? Wake the fuck up..." He trailed off as he applied pressure a last time and with a spark and a crackle, Christopher woke up with frenzied gasping as he violently breathed in the warm air.

"Fuck!" Vaas exclaimed loudly as he sat back on his heels.

"Oh, oh God!" Chris coughed, unable to process much beyond getting more air and an uncomfortable squelching down below, hidden by sand.

"You scared the fuck outta me, you piece of shit!"

"I shat myself..." He couldn't even muster any shame about this and Vaas took no notice anyway as he unclipped the cables from the battery.

"Fucking no more battery electricity for you!" He scolded sounding annoyed. "Can't fucking die we have three more episodes..."

The pirate stood and dithered for a moment. "Or five? I don't fucking know..."

Vaas shook off the thought and leaned down to pick up the battery, he paused for a minute, he was annoyed at Chris for nearly dying but he should offer some food and water at least.

"You want water? Banana's, mango's?" He asked tiredly.

"Urgh, yes." Chris groaned.

"What?"

"Oh, all of 'em."

"Okay, I'll be back."

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**Please review.**


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